Meditation on the Death of Paxil

MEDITATION ON THE DEATH OF PAXIL

October 28, 2015

Paxil’s situation deteriorated very quickly to the point of no return and, in consultation with a very caring veterinarian at the Allentown Animal Clinic, determined that the best course of action on behalf of Paxil was euthanasia - a process that was mercifully pain-free and peaceful for Paxil if not for my own peace of mind.

Despite my housemate and myself doing the best we could to keep swapping out wee wee pads and to give him sponge baths, he apparently chewed one of his rear legs and did some real damage. He had exposed muscle in two places that was infected from being dragged through urine and feces and the skin that I thought was diaper rash was actually rotting.

The only other possible treatment option was surgery on his leg - which he might not survive due to his age and his heart murmur - followed by intensive nursing care, continually cleaning his wound, drying it completely, and changing his bandages and - even then - the vet said he might have to amputate the leg.

He now had no feeling in his rear feet and the vet said that indicated that, in any event, he’d never walk again (which wasn’t really the issue, I was prepared for that).

It became very obvious at that point that deciding to keep him alive would have been in the service of my feelings and not Paxil’s.

This hit me a lot harder than losing Percy as I had done everything possible to extend the quality and quantity of his life, up to and including all but bankrupting myself to have his gallbladder removed.

This was a case of woulda, shoulda, coulda: I had volunteered to take Paxil because I thought he’d be SAFER, not injure himself and allow him to inflict a mortal wound on himself.

Offhand, I can’t remember failing so totally at something this important. Normally, I can at least say my high risk interventions didn’t make the situation worse. No one can say what would have happened to Paxil if they had taken him to a no-kill shelter (they had decided they couldn’t keep him), so he might have lived out a number of years in peace or gone to another foster family who made the same mistakes I made.

I’ve rehearsed things in my mind and I believe the primary mistake that led to the other mistakes was that his previous rescue owners had wanted me to take him THAT DAY (which was on the weekend) and I agreed to do so.

What I SHOULD have done was made them wait a week and developed a containment area for Paxil where he could not jump on the furniture.

But who knows, he’d have probably convinced me to abandon that regimen at some point: Paxil, like my other hounds, would have quickly discovered that he could get anything out of me he wanted.

But what’s done is done.

Just half a week ago I described Paxil - and my - close encounter with the power of Death and the hope of new life and resurrection in the midst of Death.

Despite Death returning to complete the job nothing, theologically, has really changed in that regard.

God comes to us on the shared cross of human experience. This - and not obnoxiously trying to convert people - is the TRULY OFFENSIVE character of the gospel.

We would rather God redeem us from the power of Death in some place other than where Death is disguised as Lord of All.

And, in fact, God does. All the time, every day. In every meal, in every friend, in every pleasure.

The thing is, the various gods also appear in those things and it is easy to be deceived that it is THEY (e.g., money, power, security, family, ideology, personal ethics and religiosity, reputation, etc.), and not God in Christ, who makes these things GOOD things.

But it is in the experience of Death triumphant at our own, personal, cross, the experience where we see ourselves completely naked and vulnerable at the fearsome character of Death,  where we become most conscious of the transcendence of Death by the One who has authority over Death.

I suppose that’s a mighty large piece of theology to come out of the death of a very small dachshund, but Paxil’s memory - and that memory’s personal significance to me - will no doubt come to mind when Death makes its next move.

Peace.

Bill B

INTRODUCING PAXIL: CHALLENGE AND CHALLENGER!

CHRISTMAS IN JULY: On Saturday, July 25th (Christmas in July!) I was gifted a twice-rescued, thirteen year-old, twenty-three pound black dapple dachshund named “Paxil.” (No one knows the origin of the name, but it’s on his collar.)

This was only a week and a few days after unexpectedly losing Percy and I REALLY didn’t want another dog - but it was that or a rescue agency, so I said I’d give him a home.

A VISITATION OF DEATH: He is very energetic for his age and sadly, two months later - on Friday, September 25th - while home alone, he managed to injure himself somehow, probably by jumping on or off the furniture and, within a day, lost the use of both rear legs.

I did everything wrong. I didn’t block him from jumping on furniture in the first place, I didn’t take him to the vet immediately (as I was broke), and - on top of all that - misinterpreted what was going on.

I found half a chewed up rubber ball and suspected he had eaten the other half. And maybe he did. And after I saw that he  had no signed of a blockage I thought he was getting arthritis.

But that was not the issue. His back is apparently the issue.

So I foolishly continued having him move around and even took him for short walks in the twenty-four hours between the first symptoms and the complete loss of control over his legs.

So I completely blew the critical early moment that often determines whether the dog will ever walk again.

BEYOND DEATH: I talked it over with my housemate and we are both committed to caring for Paxil so long as he has quality of life.

As the front end (the one that barks and eats) works just fine, Paxil gives us moment-to-moment updates on his quality of life. :-)

On payday, September 30th, I took him to the Allentown Animal Clinic (http://aacexotics.com/). They found he was full of gas (his x-ray looked like he had swallowed a balloon), has lousy teeth, and a heart murmur that - along with his  age - makes  him a poor candidate for any surgical procedure, let alone spine surgery (presuming I had  the money, which I don’t).

They found that he had no apparent pain when they pressed on his backbone (a good thing), yipped in pain when they pinched each of his back paws (also a good thing), could wag his tail, and still pee and crap. He also, astonishingly, is able to stand on all four legs for a least a couple of seconds so long as he’s steadied so he doesn’t topple over. 

The vet said it looked as if he had “forgotten” where his rear paws were. After the first couple of days he began licking his back paws, possibly attempting to stimulate and “re-map” them in his brain.

It has taken me a full month to adjust to the basics of living with a small dog who has lost the use  of his hind legs and I’m just now beginning to get the necessary resources for physical therapy  - which, along  with steroids and some  other drugs, are really the  only treatment options available, both financially AND medically.

Paxil’s chief unhappiness with all this is that his food has been cut drastically (from his point of view :-) ) to help him lose weight, though it’s a diet of home cooked  chicken breast and white rice (to solve the gas issue) that he’s become quite fond of.

So life goes on even amidst anticipations and visitations of death and - while I’ll continue the physical therapy as long as he lives (whatever else he gains from it, he loves the attention and the handling) and if there’s no improvement by Christmas I’ll get him a prosthetic and he’ll be the hottest thing  on one wheel.

Trafficking in the Gospel

I'm becoming convinced, after decades of study and reflection, that there is one and only one heresy in the Christian faith:  the heresy that being a Christian consists of a trusting  relationship with  Jesus Christ AND SOMETHING ADDITIONAL.

It is not a trusting relationship with God in Christ AND a belief that the Bible is inerrant.

It is not a trusting relationship with God in Christ AND a belief in the infallibility of official Church teaching in those Christian churches that share communion with the Roman Catholic Bishop of Rome, Pope Francis.

It is not a trusting relationship with God in Christ AND a belief that only sexual relationships that are capable of being "fecund" in principle due to the complimentary nature of the genders involved are valid.

Nor, for that matter, is it having a trusting relationship with God AND a belief that it is okay - or NOT okay - to terminate a pregnancy under any  or all conditions.

If anyone is telling you this, they suffer from the worst of heresies: Simony.

And the saddest aspect of this heresy is that when unbelievers encounter someone selling a particular belief or ethic or duty or ANY OTHER THING that they must "buy" or sacrificially serve to have access to the salvation of God in Christ AND THEY REJECT IT, they believe  they have rejected the good news of God in Christ.

They have not.

In fact, they have not so much as HEARD it because whoever is giving  them these burdens without a lifting a finger to help HASN'T EVEN SHARED IT WITH THEM.

What these unbelievers have rejected, plain and simple, is an invitation to idolatry.

Is it permissible to sell items such as rosaries, medals, Bibles, etc., that have been blessed?